I rarely write anymore, sometimes, I forget I have a site!

I'm at a turning point in my life now. Months ago I had this grand idea of going back (and finishing) school, getting my own place & having a better job.

I've been at my job now as a DSP (Direct Support Professional) for just under 3 years. I've never stayed with any job this long, but this one just became a source of comfort. Working in direct care, it's impossible not to create relationships with the people you support on an daily basis. While I would often consider leaving, I would quickly talk myself out of it because I'd miss those people far too much. Then I began realizing that there's no way to flourish in my profession. I make a dismal amount of money for the amount of responsibilities & stress I deal with daily.

While I had thought in my first year there that I could see myself moving up the ranks & making more money - I began to realize that my employer doesn't value me. I was looked over for promotions, which I ended up not even wanting, for stupid reasons. I became so miserable, yet somehow still content with my position. I mean, its a lot easier to put up with things and let them slide as opposed to finding a new job & starting from scratch.

I never finished college. I just didn't have a clear idea of what I felt I'd succeed at and be happy doing, or if I thought I did, I didn't want to put up with the bs of taking classes that were somehow required yet completely irrelevant.

So, now I find myself at 26 years old, starting on an education, and a real career.

The reality of it is I'm still living at home. Not out of choice or comfort, but out of necessity. Making the horrendously low rate of pay that I do, I would never be able to afford rent & other things required of being on your own. Do I like being at home? Absolutely not. It's killing me that I've yet to make that transition. I've always deemed myself as an independent woman, & other than living where I do I still believe that to be true. I do the majority of things for myself, as much as possible. I guess it could be seen as a good thing, depending on which side of the coin you're looking at. I mean, it does save me money (what little I have).

My biggest hurdle with starting school is the fact that my place of employment is screwing me out of a regular position & health benefits. While the program I'm attending for school is only three months long, for three months I'll be making about a dollar less than I do now per hour, have a completely unreliable schedule, & be screwed should any health issues arise! Fantastic! I'm beyond frustrated that when I finally am making the decision to better myself, so many other things are adversely affected.

And, before you say it, I'll admit I know that anything worth having is worth fighting for, nothing comes easy, there's always going to be hurdles, etc - doesn't mean that my present situation doesn't completely suck and make me feel miserable. This is not a form of self pity, its a form of complete frustration.

All I can hope that is at the end of these three months I'll be at a much better place. Completed education, new job, better pay...my own place? Fingers crossed...

On a completely unrelated note, I've found myself talking with a few people in my life about relationships lately. I used to be the type that constantly had a "crush" on someone. I used to constantly want that connection, to have a boyfriend. I've become very comfortable as the years have gone on with being single. Don't get me wrong, I'm always down for the making out & affection, I just don't feel the pressure to be with someone. While I think it's a nice addition, its not a necessity. In fact, the only time I wish I had a guy/date is at weddings or going out with other gatherings where there's a plethora of couples. It's not like guys are knocking on my door anyway.

I've been meaning to write lately, and though I've had a lot on my mind, I feel that I haven't had much to say.

I was talking with one of my co-workers a few weeks ago, about dating and whatnot. While I absolutely despise the act of dating, every now and then I find myself feeling "adventurous" and decide that since guys in real life hate me and never hit on me, why not sign up for a dating site?

Now, I've done the big sites before, and not once have I ended up going on a date with someone that was as cool as they sounded on the phone/online. Well, this time I signed up for plentyoffish.com. I wish I could put into words how awful people are on that site. Now, I know that a lot of people use such sites for random booty-calls and whatnot, but I figured I could at least find someone decent looking and cool enough to kick it with....and maybe a little makeout action. (Seriously though, I can't begin to count how many conversations I've had about how awesome making out is). Well, upon signing up and posting a photo, I got at least 20 different guys sending me such "awesome" messages like "hey cutie wanna chat?" I know, a message like that is seemingly harmless...but it irritates the hell out of me. I hate being called "cutie" or anything remotely related to that. The quality of these guys was absolutely amazing. I deleted my profile after three days.

I used to think that I needed someone in my life to make me feel valid, to feel complete. I abandoned that thinking years ago. Though, it would be nice to have someone around, I don't think I want anything like that now. I've got so much I want to accomplish, and so many things I'm working on. I was joking with my co-worker that maybe I just need a "friend with benefits" haha. Nooooooo...

I haven't been going out like how I was for a while. I used to go out pretty much every night, and it was nice. But, the past few months, its been few and far between. Plus, throw in me getting mono, and that only made it worse. But I'm over that now. I just need to get back in the swing of things.

On another note...

I've never really been one for regrets, but I'm still in "reflective" mode and thinking about things I would definitely change if I could do them over. Its kind of annoying. It's all about making positive changes.

I'm a procrastinator, but I'm really trying to make progress.

Anywho, I'm really excited that The Mighty Boosh guys are in the US! Unfortunately, the closest they came was to NYC...but I'm hoping now that they're over here, and seem to have a decent fan base, perhaps they will tour and come somewhere closer at some point. Hell, for The Boosh, I would go just about anywhere though. I totally wish I was at ComiCon this year. For them, and Kevin Smith, of course!

I feel that I have a lot I want to do. I feel stagnant. I've been picking up some overtime. Money is good. Hopefully, I'll be able to put it to good use...

I've been lacking motivation to work on the site lately. Mostly due to thumbnails. I'm trying to come up with a better way to display the photos. Pain in the ass, really. In due time, I guess.

I miss people. I wish I could see some people more than I do, or that some of them would pick up the phone once in a while. I have a few 'friends' who like to bitch that we never hang out and they miss me, yet never do anything about it when I give them an opportunity to change that. Its frustrating and makes me reevaluate why we're friends. Of course, on the other hand, I have numerous friends that I can go for months without talking to or seeing, and we pick up like we just spoke yesterday. I love that I have that with a good amount of my friends. I mean, I'm not clingy, but I do like to see my friends every now and then.

I'm about to go force myself to hop on the elliptical for a few. Good times!

I've been very reflective lately. In fact, I've actually been doing it religiously since I turned twenty-five. Whether one is related to the other, I don't know for certain, but I choose to believe they are.

I always thought that by the time I turned 25, I'd be in a different place than where I am now. For example: I figured I'd have completed college, got my own place, perhaps owned a dog, had a boyfriend, a nice car, and a job that I'd be doing for the rest of my existence, that, I (hopefully) loved.

My my, how things are different. I've been in and out of college courses since 2003. I never had that "feeling" that people get when they just KNOW what they're going to do with their lives. I never just had one extreme passion or really seen myself primarily doing one thing for the rest of my life. I remember during my final year of high school, I was certain I'd go to school for photojournalism, and, I did for a semester. Thanks for my professors, I slowly began to despise it. I must have had at least ten other possible career choices since. I'm interested in a ridiculous amount of things, and I know I could probably take any path of my choice and do well. Its just a matter of wanting that feeling of certainty. Of knowing, and feeling that THIS is what I want to do. I think I have that with writing. Writing is my weapon of choice, its my comfort food of sorts. It's helped me through numerous bouts of anger, sadness, and sometimes even happiness. It helps me figure out all the craziness in my head. Writing is a wonderful thing.

I began following Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" a few months back. Its a great 12-week writing program to help people tap into their creative side. Its amazing, and helped me figure out so much, just in doing my daily morning pages. Writing three pages every day of anything that came to mind without stopping to think, or slow down. No correcting mistakes or editing. Just writing as raw as possible. At first, it was kind of scary, but it began to help me realize things about myself, and about the people I surround myself with. I recommend it to pretty much everybody.

So, back to where I thought I'd be. That's what this was initially about, right?

Yes. Well, we've covered the whole schooling thing...for now at least.

I've discovered a lot about my work ethic, and working as a whole over that past few years. About four years ago, I began my first full time job. I was a bank teller. Oh, it was fun. Quite an experience, that I attribute to my boss and co-workers. Before I began there, I was a part- time cashier. I had the assumption that people who worked at banks were uptight suits. Boy, was I wrong. Eventually, I chose to leave, (and its a good thing because after I left, so did everyone else pretty much), and found myself working (yet again), some place that I never thought I would. I ended up at an agency supporting adults with developmental disabilities. Almost two years later, and I'm still there. It's still exciting and rewarding. It's quite great.

Now, for the real exciting stuff.

Actually, its probably quite the opposite.

I have a car that I love, but has financially made it difficult to find a place to live on my own that I can afford. The search is on.

My love life still doesn't exist. Details to follow (When there are some).

I've had Manic Haze since I was 18. So much has changed since then (obviously). So many site layouts and overhauls. I had a lot of fun when I first started out, going to shows, meeting bands, taking photos and doing reviews/interviews. Its something I wish I still had a passion for. Photography, perhaps, is the only one that remains.

I'm still taking photos, still painting, and writing like there's no tomorrow.

Things are good.